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While we ate I told them that I had made a reservation for lunch at the country club. “Wear something hot and slinky. I want to show you off. I want...to see all those other geezers drool.” I left the table early to get the brazier from my trunk. I placed it in the back yard, lit the kindling, and waited until the fire was roaring. Then Becky led Rachel out of the doublewide. Together we lay the underwear on the fire. It charred rather than burned but the effect was the same—no more kiddy. The mom asks, “Why on earth do you need that?”The little boy replies, “isn’t that what you give daddy when HIS shit won’t get hard?!”This compliments of Mario MComplaints to wife and replyTo My Dearest Wife,During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:We will wake the kids - 54 timesIt’s too late - 15 timesI’m too tired - 42 timesIt’s too. I'd do anything to make things better. I went through abox of Kleenex, filling a wastebasket with my fears. The clock hardlyseemed to budge, the minutes longer than I'd ever known them to be. Hourswere an age. The last I remembered checking, it was past 4 AM.I awoke to the angry demands of my cell phone. My hands were clumsyblocks of granite, and I fumbled the call open. I could see it wasDenise. Should I answer it? I was still mad at her."Yes?" I said.'Shawna. It's me, Denise. I wanted to. You don't do divorces then?" No I don't Jim. I do know a few good divorce lawyers though. Got a pen and paper handy?"Getting the names and numbers of someone to help me get divorced was something I never thought I'd be doing. Especially this late in the game of life. Yet, here I was. I really only had myself to blame too. Had I not cheated on Sharon, she would not have felt a need to get even like she had. I had never known she could be so vindictive though. Never in a million years would I.
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